Essay About My Acceptance On Not Finding Another Lover
And Thriving On My Own Love And Authenticity


This is my story about how I may never find another parner after the death of Arthur Rosenau. I was frustrated at first and maybe mildly depressed. Then I pulled out of it and transformed the love to all others here in our lovely city of Bellingham!

I am 70 years old with no currently living partner. I had only one true love in my life. His name was Arthur Rosenau. When I met him in San Francisco in 1978, he already had terminal cancer. We still fell in love. We had three wonderful and very powerful years together before he was gently sheparded through the veil and found himself in the bed chambers of the Holy Angels.

To this day, I still feel his love. And I feel that I am healing him. He had a hard life (including 8 years in prison for loving a man; sodomy laws). Our relationship was very platonic; very little sex as he had cancer that affected his libado and ability to get erection or ejaculation. But boy or boy, we had such wonderful, deep conversation!

I never found another partner. For a long time, I was frustrated. I was a bit depressed. What helped me fight this off is first, focusing on myself. Loving myself. And focusing on learning just what may be hindering my search for a lover my age. Then is hit me hard. AIDS.

A close friend of mine tells me that my fetish as well as my aspergers has saved my life from AIDS. From 1978 to 1982 I lived in San Francisco and witness the frenzied sexual activities going on around me. But I was kept out. Ostracized from it because of my character. Kicked out of bars for wearing a clear plastic raincoat in the rain. Kicked out of bars for being my unusual self (powered by aspergers).

Men having as many as 30 sexual partners in one evening. Yes. Every evening. Bath houses being so crowded that one almost could not move around. Bars jammed packed. Many bars with 'back room' similaraly jammed packed. And myself? Safely totaly alone until I met Arthur Rosenau.

The 1970's as well as much of the 1980's, while I was left alone by the side of the road (metaphor), our community was essentially a petri dish of silent HIV spreading freely among us without us knowing it.

And I was protected by my ostracization. Only to be left lonely decades later because many fewer men of my age are still around following the disaster of AIDS.

AIDS has decimated our age group big time. Arthur and I had our platonic relationship through this disaster.

Right now, what with metastastic prostate cancer, my own sexual strenght is zero. So, I have accepted that Arthur (on the other side of the veil) will remain my one and only boyfriend for eternity. But I don't have to worry about PREP.

In the meantime, I am treating Bellingham, Washington and beyond as my boyfriend here on earth. I have discovered that I do not need to have an earthly boyfriend. The community is my boyfriend. Myself and Arthur, who is shining from the sky, is gifting Bellingham with our love!

If you ever come here to Bellingham, Washington, just look for a goofy man wearing colorful home made clothing, while skipping and dancing my ways around town.

I love to do ecstatic dancing (which is non-partner dancing). I let the spirit of the music move my dancing. I often am the only person on the dance floor dancing alone among couples. Or often the only person dancing at that venue with no one else on the floor. Example; ballroom dancing at the senior center with couples. I am the one non-couple. They love it! Another example; dancing in the weight room of our YMCA between workout sets, using music to my hearing aids. They love it as well. Yet another example. We had youth pride (one of a very few in the nation) at our high school. They had disco music on the high school courtyard. No one was dancing. I danced alone on that courtyard and everyone was watching. Finally, about 30 minutes later, a bunch of girls joined me. No guys, though, but that did not bother me. We had a wonderful time. Three week later, a local police offer briefly stopped by at a pride event and said that he was on duty at youth pride and he loved watching me dance alone on that courtyard.

I volunteer full time at the Spark Museum, an electrical museum. I fix old radios, sometimes build and donate exhibits, and give tours.

I also am active at the Unitarian Church (choir and putting together our audio visual in order to run virtual services). In fact, Christmas eve, I danced in front (spontaneously without coordination) during some of our hyms. They loved it. At the close, when we san Joy to the world, the minister (straight and married) put his arm around my shoulder and we danced together. That one totally exceeded my dreams. The whole city knows that I am gay and that I have a fashion fetish in clear plastic raincoats. I freely talk about it on our community television station. And the list goes on. Basically I totally love myself. I have stepped into my light and made it brighter and added a rainbow. The key to this is total authenticity, love, and courage.

At no point has any venue; Senior Center, Yacht Club, dance halls, YMCA, movie theatres when I dance during the credits; none of them told me not to dance. And yes, the whole town (and region) knows about my relationship with Arthur.

If you are interested, the stories about myself (stories and videos) are on a special website domain that I own; Come to Bellingham! If you see me, stop me from dancing and lets chat!

My endearing love to you all! Mark Allyn Bellingham, Washington

allyn (at)